When it comes to weddings, on time is late, gifts are best sent ahead of time, and the RSVP card is there for a reason! In light of the seemingly year-round wedding “season” that is upon us, it’s important to mind your Ps and Qs — no matter the locale or size of the celebration. Here, Amos Gott of AmosEvents chimes in with some valuable etiquette reminders your mama never told you. (Or maybe she did, but you’ve long since forgotten — or you just weren’t listening.)
Amos Gott of AmosEvents is here to help you make a great impression and save yourself from unnecessary wedding guest embarrassment. Image: Micah G Robinson
Do: RSVP!
Back in the day, the reply card did not exist. “The invited guest was supposed to write back — in the third person like the invitation — accepting or declining the invitation,” Amos says. “These days, the host has done everything possible to get your response except fill out the response card and put it in the mail.” Y’all, the envelope is addressed and stamped.
If you keep a written or digital calendar, set a task for a week before the “reply-by” date. Image: Molly Peach
When the cost per person for a wedding can easily be in the hundreds (if not thousands), neglecting to reply is discourteous, plain and simple. “Neglecting to reply and showing up, or replying ‘yes’ then skipping, both come at a significant cost to the host,” Amos says. As soon as you receive an invite and you know your plan, send back your card — don’t toss it in the junk drawer.
Don’t: Make assumptions about your invitation.
On a similar topic, who’s on the wedding invitation is who’s invited. “If your children’s names aren’t listed, guess what? They’re not invited,” Amos says with a smile. “If the inner envelope doesn’t say ‘and guest,’ then the invitation is for you and you alone.” When a reply card asks for the number attending, that isn’t an open-ended question. The max number is the number of names on the inner envelope. If you and a guest are invited, your options are “two” or “one.”
Do: Arrive 20 minutes before the printed start time.
“Unlike a party invitation, the time on the invitation is the time bride is to be going down the aisle,” Amos says. “So if you arrive at the invitation time, you’re late. Really late. Because the mothers are either about to be seated or often already are, and the bride is in place as you open the door behind her to come in.”
Traditionally, the bride stands on the left (if facing the couple) and the groom on the right, but this is the opposite for Jewish weddings. As long as you’re seated with plenty of time, don’t sweat it if you’re sitting on the “wrong” side! Image: Pixnio
Also, in many non-traditional and destination venues, there isn’t a lot of private space to keep the bridal party separate from guests. The bride wants everyone invited to first see her as she walks down the aisle, not as you’re leaving the restroom five minutes before start time. “No one wants the glaring eyes of the mother, bride, or — worse — the planner,” Amos adds. “The traditional time to arrive is in time to be in your seat twenty minutes before the invitation time.”
Don’t: Bring gifts to the wedding.
In our modern world, it’s best to send gifts prior to the wedding — typically to the return address on the back of the invitation envelope. “Think about it,” Amos says. “The family has so much to do the weekend of the wedding. Do you think they really want to haul gifts home after it’s over and unload a trunk full of packages?” Online registries and cash funds make it so much easier to send gifts up to a few months after the wedding. Amos adds, “Nicer gift stores will often deliver gifts to the family’s home. It continues to get easier to get gifts to the couple.”
What scares Amos the most are the gift cards and cash brought to the event. “They can so easily slip between a car seat and console, fall out on the way to the car, or even be misplaced in the chaos. It’s so much better to send them in advance to lessen the risk,” Amos says.
Do: Dress accordingly.
One steadfast common rule is that ceremonies at or after 6 p.m. indicate black tie. “Not always, but often,” Amos says. “But otherwise, it’s common sense. And sometimes, I wonder if any thought was given at all.” With the groom and groomsmen often in tuxedos, and the bride almost always in a gown, dressing smartly is appropriate and imperative.
If you’re confused about proper attire, ask other invited friends or check the wedding website. The planners will often include more information online than is on the invite! Image: Pixnio
“For men, it’s a suit with a tie (at minimum, slacks and jackets). Men are the typical culprits as women often relish the excuse to dress up,” Amos says. “But when the wedding party is in formal attire, and male guests don’t have on a tie, or even a jacket, it downplays the significance of the occasion.”
Don’t: Hijack the planning process.
This last piece of advice is for those in the throes of planning. Amos admits he is the first to want the wedding to reflect the bride’s taste and style. “But so often I hear that the mother doesn’t have a say in her daughter’s wedding,” Amos says.
“It’s important to remember that who is on the invitation as inviting guests to the wedding (and therefore paying for it) is who is hosting the event. So they deserve some credit for their contribution and opinion … within reason,” Amos adds with a wink.
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